I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize