My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
