Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
