The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
