My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
