Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
