Im at strip club and am horny
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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