I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
