There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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