great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
