remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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