dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
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Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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