So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
