I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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