i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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