if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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