Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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