I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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