Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish you could order shots online.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
