eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
