if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
