This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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