i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
