does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i will never coherently bang her
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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