I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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