You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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