this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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