Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
