god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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