i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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