I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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