I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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