Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
