I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
