she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
