8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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