News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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