the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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