that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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