If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
