Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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