; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the condom got lost in my hair
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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