Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
