a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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