Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
