How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
