I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
