Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
