Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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