Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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