ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
