I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
