ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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