Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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