GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
