haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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